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Meet The
Parents
The
Exorcist: The Version You've Never Seen
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Monday
The King of Queens 8:00 CBS
Everybody Loves Raymond 9:00 CBS
Tuesday
Buffy the Vampire Slayer 8:00 WB
Wednesday
The West Wing 9:00 NBC
Thursday
Friends 8:00 NBC
Friday
CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 9:00 CBS
Saturday
Saturday Night Live 11:30 NBC
Sunday
Futurama 7:00 FOX
King of the Hill 7:30 FOX
Simpsons 8:00 FOX
Malcolm in the Middle 8:30 FOX
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JEFF NEWS LIVES!!
Ok, ok. I know. I haven't updated these pages in
a while. Well I wasn't certain if I was going to
keep on doing JEFF NEWS after a year. Well, I've
decided that I am going to keep JEFF NEWS going,
but I've changed the subtitle to (Almost)
Daily News & Commentary. I'll try to keep
it updated as much as I can, but sometimes, I
actually need to work in the mornings. So thank
you for reading JEFF NEWS, and please keep coming
back for the (almost) daily entries. Thanks,
Jeff
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One Movie is Better Than
Another (10/30/2000) 
The comedy Meet the Parents was number one at the
box office beating out new entry Book of Shadows:
Blair Witch 2 this pre-Halloween weekend.
Newspapers and entertainment periodicals are
having a field day coming up with puns for box
office report column titles.
De Niro Film Throws 'Book'
at Limp Horror Sequel - Reuters
"Parents" Tricks "Blair
Witch" - E! Online
'Witch' sequel debuts in 'Parents' shadow
- Hollywood Reporter
A Scary Time for 'Blair Witch 2' as It
Struggles to No. 2 - LA Time
I'm trying to think of my clever article title.
How about, "Blair Witch 2 is Just a
Crappy, Crappy Movie. Meet the Parents ain't"?
I could also use, "De Niro asks Blair
Witch, 'Are you talkin' to me?' and Blair says, 'Yeah,
a hex on you.' And then De Niro says, 'Bite me b*tch!'
And then Blair says..." Ah, too long.
Oh, well. I give up. I guess that's why I'm an
engineer.
SEE STORY ON YAHOO
|
Oooo, Spooky (10/16/2000)
A new device has been developed that can be
placed under a person's skin and will monitor not
only that person's vital statistics such as heart
rate and temperature, but also that person's
location. The device, powered by the host's body
temperature transmit it's location via the Global
Positioning Satellite system. Immediate
applications of the device include tracking
cattle, tracking at risk patients, and tracking
potential kidnap victims. Hey, I think those
things are great, but I guess the next step is to
develop smaller devices that will get injected
into you via your flu shots. That way, like Agent
Fox Mulder said, the government could track
everyone. That's scarier than anything you'll see
this Halloween.
SEE STORY ON YAHOO |
Dow Jones, Shmow Jones (10/12/2000)
The Dow Jones industrial average has dropped
around 600 points in the past 5 business days.
Many contribute the drop ... Eh, screw this. I'm
in no mood. This morning I got my second ticket
for turning left inappropriately. This is only my
second ticket in ten years so I should be able to
take Defensive Driving. I guess I could look on
the bright side. I get to spend eight hours of
one of my precious Saturdays with strangers being
taught things I already know. Woo hoo! *sob* *sigh*
*sniff* ... Oh yeah, the Dow Jones Average. I'm
sure I'd say some stupid comment about brokers
jumping out of windows, so I think it's best to
have no new news today.
SEE MORE ON YAHOO |
Close Race (10/11/2000)
During the last few weeks of campaigning, daily
polls have been taken to track the presidential
race. Over the past few days, Bush has caught up
with Gore and now the race is in a dead heat.
Finding that a daily poll is too slow, JEFF NEWS
has started taking a poll every second. Let's
take a look at the current standings. Bush is in
the lead. Now Gore inches ahead. Bush catches up
again, is ahead by a half-length. Now Gore leads.
Now Bush! Now Gore! Wait a minute, what's this?
Oh my God! It's Olympic gold medallist Marion
Jones. She's come out of nowhere. She passes Bush
and Gore. Jones takes a commanding lead! Jones
wins the presidential race in world record time! (Note: Poll's margin of error is +/-100%.)
SEE STORY ON YAHOO |
From Reuters |
Ono, Not Again (10/10/2000)
After much public criticism, Firestone has lost
it's chief executive and chairman, Masatoshi Ono.
Ono will announce his retirement at 1 PM in
Nashville. Firestone has announced a replacement.
Ono will be replaced by Onoweregonnadie.
SEE STORY ON YAHOO |
Hey, You Guys! (10/9/2000)
A seven square mile area of Chicago was hit with
a power outage on Sunday causing several services
to stop including elevators and drawbridges. The
cause was a circuit breaker that had caught fire.
Many believe what caused the fire was Mrs.
O'Leary's cow.
SEE STORY ON YAHOO |
Just Sit Right Back And You'll
Hear a Tale (10/5/2000)
Two men were found in their boat after three days
of being lost near the Hawaiian Islands. Volcanic
ash had clouded their view of the islands during
a trip which caused them to become disoriented
and lost. The two men survived by rationing Pop-Tarts,
beer, and juice. Aw, so what? I've been surviving
on Pop-Tarts and beer since I left home for
college.
SEE STORY ON YAHOO |
Can I See Some ID? (10/4/2000)
The presidential candidates debated last night.
While nothing surpassing occurred on stage, an
event that occurred outside of the building.
Ralph Nader was denied admittance to the debates
even though he had official invitation. Nader is
the Green Party presidential candidate. Many were
upset by his exclusion from the debate. The
debate commission sited that they only allowed
those with at least 15% support in national polls
into the debate. Nader is currently at about 5-6%
in the polls. A frustrated Nader left the
auditorium to go to a local restaurant only to be
denied access to eat since he was so low in the
polls. He was then denied entrance to McDonalds,
a taxi cab, and then his hotel. I guess this is a
two party system after all.
SEE STORY ON YAHOO |
From Reuters |
From Russia With Love (10/3/2000)
Russia's Mir Space Station has discovered new
life in space, a very unwelcomed life. Fungus is
running rampant throughout the inside and outside
of the space station. The black fungus, which
gives off a strong mushroomy smell, can be found
lying beneath control panels. Russia has plans to
combat the problem. They are sending up several
cases of white spray paint and hundreds of pine
tree car fresheners. "It'll be like the
fungus was never there," said one Russian
official.
SEE STORY In THE BOSTON
GLOBE |
I'll Be Doing a Piece from
Death of a Salesman (10/2/2000)
Bush and Gore are preparing for their debate
schedule for Tuesday by doing a series of
rehearsals with stand-ins. Unfortunately the
rehearsals for Bush came to a bust because Bush's
managers and his debate stand-ins couldn't agree
on a debate format.
SEE STORY ON YAHOO |
Took a week off.
Work's been hell.
|
| Go to Page 2 |
| Archives - Previous
Headlines |
4/23/00-7/29/00
Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go
Sisters Are Doing It for Themselves
Bull? What Bu...Ahhhhh!
Sing It, Alanis
Eek! Peeping Tom!
Slick Willie and Oily Bush
Kiss the Day Goodbye...
USA Gets the People's Elbow
That's Disgusting
The Real Survivor
First, Take a Left at the Uvula, Then You...
The New Titanic
Recycled Movies
A Prayer for Prayer
Cel-e-brate Good Times, Destroy!
A Prayer for Prayer
Look Both Ways Before Being Hit By a Car
I Said Lunch. Not Launch!
Insert "I invented the internet" Joke
Here
A Little Respect Here...
Over One Million Stolen
What I Really Want to Do is Direct
The Perfect Storm
Kids These Days
Ah, Good, Quality Films
The French Open Up
War is a Cancer
Get Yer Red Hot Bacteria Here
First I Was Afraid. I Was Petrified.
You Look Good in Them Genes
Bush Takes Another Bold Stance
Will You Accept a Check for Your Coin?
You Got the Right One, Baby. Uh-huh.
Mommy, Why Aren't Your Breasts That Big?
I Calls 'Em Like I Sees 'Em
Go Ahead. Take My Pay.
The Swift(?) Arm of the Law
No Taxation Without Education
Must Fee TV
Now, Son, This is For Your Own Good
I Feel Your Pain
And the Winnah Is...
Back Me Up He-yah
Ack Ack Ack
Americanos Ignorantes
Love Bites
I Gotsan Ed-u-ma-cation
Welcome. Goodbye. Welcome. Goodbye...
What's My Motivation?
Would You Like to Gigantisize Your Fries?
3X + 2Y = FUN!!
I Have to Get an A in Biology
The Not-So-Secret Service
Honest, This Has Never Happened to Me 3/5/00-4/22/00
Still Fishin'
Gone Fishin'
George Comes Out
Don't Shoot! I'm Not a Student.
The Exits are Here, Here, and Here
Tongues Up. Tongues Down.
But I'm Just a Cute, Widdle Boy
Remember Us...Netscape?
So What's the Next Office Pool?
...And I Feel Fine
Is It Hot Here, or Is It Just the Volcano?
Everybody Wants to Get Into the Act
There Ought to Be Limits to Freedom - G. W. Bush
Being a Multi-Billionaire Ain't What It Used to
Be
From the Department of Redundancy Department
Say, Did Anyone Know the Oscars Were Last Night?
Look at How She Clings. Nyuck Nyuck
What Can I Say? I'm Just the Pope.
Santa's Back and He's Pissed Off!
Pot Not So Hot
My Principles Are Costing Me How Much?
I'd Like to Thank the Academy
Take My Child. Please.
For My Next Trick, I'll...Aackk!!
Evian Spelled Backwards is Gingivitis
Have Gun, Will Battle.
More Makeup for Mr. Marino!
Stephen e-King
Extra! Extra! Get Your News Here ... and Here
So God, Less Filling or Tastes Great?
Oh, and One More Thing
Super Phat Tuesday for Gore and Bush
Going Down?
Maybe Those Pre-flight Safety Instructions Aren't
So Stupid
2/13/00-3/4/00
Another One Bites the
Helium
Ah, Shucks. I Meant Nuthin' of It
Yeah, the Democrats are in the Race Too.
All the World Rejoice
Get the Tums. I've Got Crazy Gas.
Premature Ejaculation. Good, Now That You're
Listening
So, Dave, Did the Heart Surgery Hurt?
Santana is Smooth
Can't Do Anything. My Batteries are Dead.
You Mean This is a Real Marriage?
McCain Kicks Butt
Breaker 1-9, Can I Get a Home Loan to Fill My
Tank
Good Grief
I Dare You to Cross This Line. OK, Then This Line
No Baby, Your Butt Looks As Good As It Always Has
Check His ID
And the Oscar Doesn't Go To...
Robot Probes Eros
1/30/00 -
2/12/00
One Honest Cop...Just One
Talk About Your Stinky Planes
Attack of the Mutant Hackers
Always Look on the Bright Side of Life
One More for the Road
Gary Who?
Good Thing His Name Isn't Redspan
The Shadow Knows. MWAH HAHAHAHA
I'm Just a Victim of Common Decency.
Rams. Titans. They're Not Condoms. They're
Football Teams.
Hand Me the Razor, Al. I Don't Think So, Tim.
1/16/00 -
1/29/00
Put up Your Hands and Throw
Down the Mouse!
President Daffy
Bush Downs the Hatch
Hey, We Also Grow Corn
Who Needs Spinach?
Superduper Bowl
I Think I'll Use Arial Font
Jordon is a Wiz
Star Wars Misses Target
Those Crazy Kennedy's. What Have They Gotten into
This Week?
The Cyborgs are Coming!
Pardon Me, Warden. Do You Have Any Grey Poupon?
Jesse, What Would Martin Say?
It's a Southern Thing. You Wouldn't Understand.
12/19/99 -
1/15/00
Frankenstein in France
Everybody's Gettin' It On!
America, What a Country!
This Old Treehouse
I'm Only Saying This Once...
Dubba-dubba-dubbaya-B.AOL.COM
The People's Vomit
Southerners Under Pressure
Forbes is Fahbulous
Guns on TV ... They Help Your Reception
Yes, Bradley and Gore are Alive
Uh, Could You Spell That?
Time's Geek of the Year
Cha-Ching Bells. Cha-Ching Bells.
12/12/99 -
12/18/99
Apparently Snakes Can Kill You
Made in the U.S.A.? Get That Out of Here
Here, Prisoner, Try on This Mickey Mouse Hat
SNL Told to be PC
McCain Makes New Friends
Tripp Taping Tripped
Hey, Boy! You're My New Girl!
12/5/99 -
12/11/99
Speak Up Please, Comrade
Announcing Our Newest State, Mars
Melissa Spanks Hard
It Took Me 10 Years to Become an Eye Doctor
This Just In: Homeless Will Work for Food
Tarzan Feel Cartman's Pain
Drive-Thru Medical Advice
Cell Phones Hit Cerebellum
I'm Gentle as a Lamb, Dammit!
11/28/99 -
12/4/99
Good Fortune Offends Me
As President I Will ... uh ... Line!
Crichton's Latest Movie...I Mean Book
Did I Do That?
Those Crazy French
Shuttle Still in the Shop
Continuing Coverage...WTO vs Protesters
Hee Hee...Just Kidding
Who Wants to Be the Millionaires' Tool?
All New Diet WWF!
Buzz KOs Ah-nuld
Santa Cha-Ching
11/14/99 -
11/27/99
Crime Croaks
RNC vs DNC vs Run DMC
Party People in the White House Ya'll
Smoking. It's Fun!
Boris Bolts
Dan Marino
Don't Bogart That Medicine, Man
Fight the Power, Jesse!
Ah Am an Eff-Bah-Eye Agent
God is More of a Soccer Fan
Hubble Rubble
And...You Are?
11/7/99 - 11/13/99
10/31/99 - 11/6/99
10/24/99 - 10/30/99
10/17/99 - 10/23/99
10/10/99 - 10/16/99
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